be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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