Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize