I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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