we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize