I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
apparently the secret to your success is patron
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
