I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
