Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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