tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
