I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
