You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
