we have pet lesbian snakes
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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