you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
