I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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