i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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