She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
