My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
