I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize