don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You're a waste of cheezeits
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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