I have demons in me.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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