Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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