I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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