I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
