I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize