please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
