So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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