i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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