somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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