That's when you crack a 10am beer
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My feet surprised me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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