I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
