it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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