It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
