maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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