not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize