We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
