Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize