some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
