I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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