If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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