I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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