Sorry, I don't speak sober.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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