you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
