he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
