if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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