I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
