between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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