We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
