i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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