I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
