Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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