Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
