i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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