im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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