Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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