My room smells like vodka and shame
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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