I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
