Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
this hospital has no fireball
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
