I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Your mouth is God's brothel.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just googled if crying burns calories
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
