i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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