I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
