doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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