What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
