felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
