you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
