So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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