he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ladies don't puke and tell
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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