Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
