I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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